


Resident B-Film

by HeroFizzer



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bad Acting, Cheesy, F/F, F/M, Lesbian, MST3k-Style Riffing, Multi, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-19 07:14:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22707070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroFizzer/pseuds/HeroFizzer
Summary: In an alternate timeline, Jill, Claire, and Rebecca get together to watch some really bad movies on Valentine's day, which is also Jill's birthday. One particular movie is...one based off their adventure in the mansion? And sex is involved? What? (Commissioned)
Relationships: Claire Redfield/Jill Valentine, Leon S. Kennedy/Jill Valentine, Rebecca Chambers/Claire Redfield, Rebecca Chambers/Jill Valentine
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	Resident B-Film

**Author's Note:**

> Slight forewarning: Some of the relationships tagged may not actually depict the characters in question, as it depicts some acts being done in a film within the universe. If that doesn't at least intrigue or amuse you, you may want to look the other way.

"What do you mean it's too on the nose?!"

Jill had a laugh as Rebecca Chambers told her the thought of being born on the holiday she shared a namesake with, watching her face turn red. Claire Redfield was sifting through the VHS tapes she had brought along, smirking as her friend hid her cheeks away from their view.

"What else could I mean?" Rebecca asked, suddenly wishing Claire hadn't brought her over for the sake of a simple birthday surprise. It sounded odd in her head, and really, for a woman named Jill Valentine to be born ON Valentine's Day, well, what were the odds? "It just seemed like the biggest coincidence."

"Okay, relax yourself, Becky," Claire said, sitting Rebecca down on the sofa between her and Jill, "I'm sure Jill didn't mean anything by getting so humorous with you."

Jill shook her head, adjusting her blue top as Rebecca leaned into the pizza box sitting on her coffee table. She had planned to stay in her house and just relax on this Valentine's day, having nobody to celebrate anyway. Work wasn't too stressful in Raccoon City anyway, as the place was all too quiet with simply crimes and muggings and NOT a zombie apocalypse like they managed to avoid, but she still needed a bit of peace and quiet.

Leave it to Claire and her sidekick to invite themselves over for some good old B-movie fun. A girls' night in was a good idea, just very abrupt to her plans for the night. She supposed her "date" with Mr. Rabbit would just have to wait instead.

"I think you guys are going to love this one." Claire laughed as she reached for the remote. Pressing play, she cuddled up with Rebecca, much tok her shyness, and continued, "I was honestly surprised that I even found this. Who knew someone would go out of their way to fund AND produce this?"

Leaning over to stare at Claire, Jill asked her, "What are you talking about? Honestly, Claire, if you found something that's going to lead to us getting killed in seven days..."

"Wait..." Rebecca whispered to herself. She squinted at the screen, the quality of the video obviously being rather muted considering the medium, almost swearing she was going crazy seeing the characters on screen for the opening credits roll. "Is that us?!"

Jill sat up, looking hard at the screen as well. It was too dark to really identify everyone, but the way Claire was cackling over their reaction it was enough to see they weren't going nuts; the actors were indeed playing somewhat augmented versions of themselves the night they went into Arklay Manor to find the lost members of STARS, which was also the evening they managed to contain the spread of the virus created by the Umbrella Corporation.

"...someone made a movie out of the most traumatizing night of our lives?!" Claire laughed harder as Jill said it out loud, as though any reaction the STARS woman would have towards this revelation wasn't going to make her laugh in some capacity. "Claire, what the hell?"

"Don't look at me!" Claire said, her laughter slowly dying down. "I didn't make this garbage, I just saw it at the rental store and just had to give it a look!"

"Unbelievable!" Jill groaned. "Who would actually make this? Wouldn't you need the agreement of everyone involved to sign on?"

"I guess that's not the case." Rebecca finally spoke up, still amazed at the sight of the actors portraying them. "I mean...I'm just surprised someone heard about this incident and thought, "This would make a great movie!"

>The girls' attention turned to the screen, watching a fully gray sequence reenacting the moment their team discovered the helicopter for Bravo Team. Leon, Jill, Claire and Rebecca are all there, with the actor portraying Leon looking at the mess as though he were deciding his next meal. Jill's actress wore a rather pouty face, as if the whole scenario were less an awful sight and more like it just bugged her slightly.

>The scene of them running especially made Rebecca laugh, in awe of the awful editing and directing that made her confused otherwise what was supposed to be happening. Nothing going on was left all that obvious, aside from several closeups of the zombie dogs' fangs and awful acting.

>Once the team got inside the mansion, the dialogue just made Jill groan, having to hear clunky lines from people that didn't even seem to know what good acting was.

>"What is this...?" Leon asked.

"It's a mansion." Jill said, a stone cold expression on her face.

>"Whoa! What a mansion!" said the actress portraying Wesker.

"What a maaaansion!" Claire said, mocking the delivery of the actor on screen.

>"Where's Claire?" Jill's actress asked, showing the proper understanding of what concern looked like.

Jill sighed, regretting that she ever heard such poor acting. "Just...god, Claire, I'm glad we contained all of that and found out Irons was getting bribed by Umbrella before something happened to the city, but...who would think it would lead to THIS?"

"Listen, the only person I would have told this to would be my brother, all right?" Claire said, still overly joyful at this film experience. "Trust me, it's worth busting your gut over."

"I guess? But this feels...cheap. And those outfits are...oh my god..." Jill tried to stifle a laugh as she saw the butchered STARS gear the actors were wearing, the women in particular. Obviously anyone wearing the gear for their unit would have to be heavily armored, with bulletproof vests to shield them from any serious attack. Those are gone, leaving the men to wear overly tight shirts that show off their tight and and muscles, while the girls are wearing v-neck shirts that show off as much cleavage as humanly possible.

"It figures." Rebecca smirked, folding her arms as she watched everyone gather into the mansion's lobby after being chased inside by awful CGI rottweilers. "God, this must have been directed by a guy, why else would anyone dress like that?"

"And that soundtrack..." Claire said, holding her ear out to listen to the noises that attempted to pass off as musical interest. "Sounds like a blind man was just hitting random keys on a synth."

"Too bad it isn't overpowering the dialogue." Jill said, rolling her eyes. "These actors are terrible, where did they even find them?"

>Indeed, even just the first few minutes of Wesker telling Jill and Leon to be careful after they started walking away, as well as Leon's awful delivery on the line “Hope this is not Claire's blood”, made the STARS woman's skin crawl. She really wasn't overly fond of the dialogue, but then Claire had to point something else out about the production as well.

"The actor playing Leon looks like he has a toupee on his head." Claire blurted out. "He's got pretty well-groomed hair in real life, but that has to be a wig. It even looks like they had to spray paint it to match the color!"

>Whenever Jill heard her dialogue, she slowly started to loosen up over the way her actress delivered it. Every word made it seem like she was supposed to be afraid and worried about her situation, but she instead came off as if she were having a laughing fit. It really didn't match the tone all that well, obviously.

“Did these actors work for minimum wage?” Rebecca asked. “They sound like they don't know there's better payments in Hollywood.”

“You're assuming they even paid the actors in the first place.” Claire laughed. 

“I'm curious why Rebecca even looks like she does,” Jill spoke up, “with the way she tightened her headband you'd think she was getting ready for a fighting game. She sticks out a little from the other STARS.”

“Hey, I could be in a fighting game!” Rebecca pouted. “I just can't do a Sonic Boom...”

>The biggest laugh came from Rebecca when she saw the reenactment of the moment she found Richard. She remembered finding him barely alive, and the makeup job here indicating that felt rather shoddy, as if it were made on polygons off a mid-nineties game console. It was also the moment she found Claire after she had been split up from Wesker and the others. Even worse, while she recalled how it hurt Richard to talk in that near-death state, here the actor talks to her as if he just stumbled and bumped his head.

“Oh my goodness! Are they even trying with that guy?” Rebecca laughed. “Did the director say, 'Okay just lay on the floor and act like you're dead. How do you do that? I don't know, I've never seen a person dying before'.”

“Amateurs.” Claire laughed.

>And then the laughter erupted when the blood shot out of his chest like a mini-geyser, to the point where Claire had to pause the film because they were laughing over the dialogue. It took a solid two minutes before anyone could continue to watch, with no eyes dry among the three.

“There's no way he actually died like that!” Jill said, brushing the tears from her eyes. “That's too ridiculous, even with how bad he looked.”

Rebecca shook her head. “Oh yeah, no, he was nowhere near that corny. He just went before the serum could even get injected into his blood system.”

The three sigh, pausing to raise their soda cans up in a toast to their fallen comrade.

>The scene cut over to Claire trying to read piano music, as if hoping to find her next clue in the mansion. Unfortunately, like her brother, she wasn't quite good at reading sheet music. As she fumbled away at the keys, the Rebecca actress walked in on the fake Claire.

>”Rebecca?” Claire asked.

>”Yes, Claire.” Rebecca confirmed. “I've decided I'm not going to grieve any longer.”

“Oh, right!” Rebecca cackled. “I'm so glad I could just 'decide' to not grieve Richard any longer!”

Claire leaned into Rebecca's ear as the actress attempted to play Moonlight Sonata, whispering to her colleague, “I'm just glad your fingers are better at playing other things than the piano.”

“What?” Jill asked.

“I said nothing.” Claire lied, with Rebecca's face remaining frozen with embarrassment as her cheeks turned red.

>The scene shifted to when Jill fought off the tentacle beast, only for the monster to nab her. The phony Leon came in with a flamethrower that seemed to destroy the thing, saving Jill from the one tendril she was held up in. “Are you all right?” Leon asked.

“No, I was almost killed by a kraken, you idiot!” Jill groaned. “You know Leon asked me that back then too, right?”

“I could believe it.” Claire said, flicking popcorn onto her tongue. “Even when he was a rookie back then, I can't excuse his nonsense.”

>”That was close!” shouted Jill. “You saved me!”

>”Yaaaah...” said Leon, as if he were being humble.

>”Oh, Leon!” Jill shouted, ripping her top off to expose her breasts underneath. “Take me now, you hot stud!”

>”As long as we have the time!” Leon said, letting his pants drop. The camera immediately switched to behind his rear end, showing off the balls between his legs while his ass remained in the shadows. Jill could be seen licking her lips as she slipped out of her pants, showing off a large amount of bush.

>”What a monster!” Jill said, likely referring to the fake Leon's penis.

"Wait, what?!" Jill shouted, almost choking on her diet soda. "That's definitely not how that happened! Claire, did you rent a porno?!"

Redfield cackled, her laughing fit obvious even as she held her hand over her mouth. "Geez, I think you're getting more fun out of watching US than you are the film..." Rebecca said, glaring at the amused Claire.

"I don't know if it's a porno." Claire finally said. "But this is pure schlock factor, okay? It had a big R rating on the box, so I thought it'd just be gory. But no! They tried to spice it up with sex!"

"Unbelievable." Jill groaned, swearing she had said that already. "Did they have to get someone with a bigger chest than me? Talk about unrealistic."

“This whole thing is based on a real incident!” Rebecca clamored, palming her face. “Did they just...NOT think about how disrespectful this looks?!”

“Not only did they not think,” Claire said, “they just didn't care.”

>Jill had to look away from the embarrassment that was watching someone portray her and a silly looking Leon wannabe having sex right next to the dead tentacle thing. Like, right next to it. So close that the girls felt the actress getting topped by the Leon actor and his cringe-inducing 'sexy' faces was going to reach out for one of the tendrils and use that instead. She just looked so overly bored with how the scene was going, and her costar wasn't making much effort to actually appeal to her.

>The scene went on for so long with just the actor staying in the same position with Jill, Claire was growing just as bored, fast forwarding through most of the sequence. While the movie was a blast to riff on, even she could only tolerate so little effort in regards to sex. They finally came to the end of the scene, just as Leon himself...literally came.

>“Oh, my COD!” Leon shouted.

There was a pause from the youngest member of the trio, hoping she just misheard that. "Did they really just make Leon say "Oh my cod"?" Rebecca asked, hot cheese and sauce resting on her chin after just biting her pizza slice.

"Is that what you heard?" Jill asked, uncertain. "I mean the audio is junk and the delivery doesn't even sound like Leon would say it like that...play the line back." Claire did so, rewinding that big of the footage as best she could.

>"Oh, my COD!"

"HE DID!" The girls laughed in unison, amazed that they allowed that take of the line into the final cut of this tragic retelling of that night in the manor. It was such a baffling move to them, as if the editing team missed it somehow.

>While there was no clear sign that the actor had cum on Jill, the woman portraying Valentine had a very obvious "O" face, her eyes rolled back as she grabbed at her throat. The three were clearly in silent agreement that she was faking the orgasm, as nobody could possibly have a good moment of sex after hearing someone shout out a line like "Oh my cod".

"Just…wow." Jill said. "I'm speechless. They actually had people thinking that it was hot to see someone get that turned on by…that line."

"There's worse lines to be turned on by out there." Claire assured her.

>Down the line, the movie cut back to Rebecca and Claire, the two walking across the first floor while spotting a door that led to the outside. Claire had her gun at the ready, just to be safe of any zombies or the like showing up, while the Rebecca actress slowly crept it open. The two gasped as a deformed head of one of the rottweilers showed up, popping its head into the door...and that's roughly all that could get inside. The head didn't even look all that realistic, as if everything was made of felt, with the lips being flapped open by a hand. Rebecca shut the door on the dog's neck before it slipped back behind the door, with Claire and Rebecca remaining safe...for now, anyway.

"You know...I actually forgot those things were why we couldn't just leave the place." Claire said.

"I don't remember them looking so...doofy." Rebecca admitted, cocking her head to the side as she stared at the ridiculous excuses for puppets taking the place of the ugly rottweilers they dealt with.

"Where did their budget go for this?!" Jill asked in disbelief. "These rooms don't even look like they rented out someone's home, they had to make it with cheap props on a set or something!"

>It basically went on like this for the majority of the night, with the girls unable to watch through a scene without having some quip to make about the sloppy dialogue or atrocious special effects. It all culminated in the discovery of Wesker having been with Umbrella all along, the mansion exploding, and the team finally leaving, with Claire, Jill, and Rebecca all on the chopper with Leon. “Phew.” Leon said, sounding out the word. “That was close, especially for you, Jill.”

>”I know.” Jill laughed, despite sounding like she should be exhausted.

>”You were almost a Jill Sandwich down there!” Claire pointed out.

>Jill hummed in pleasure. “Maybe I want to be one.” She then found herself between Leon and Claire, with Rebecca watching on as the three began to strip out of whatever was left of their gear. The actors portraying Claire and Leon were nibbling away at her shoulders while Jill fondled her own breasts, acting as horny and aroused from them as best she could while covered in ashes and blood.

>Leon soon moved his mouth to her breasts, placing his lips over the nipple as though he were trying to swallow her breast as a whole. Jill made an attempt to undo Leon's pants, which wasn't all that easy to do while she was unable to see past the corny toupee that rested on the actor's head. Claire was at least fairing better, making out with the Jill actress while her hands reached down her pants to tease at her pussy.

>From there the teasing switched to a foursome with Claire and Rebecca scissoring away at the other's pussy, creating a moistness between them. Jill rode the Leon actor doggy-style, jutting into her backside as if his dick wasn't actually inside her pussy, though he did his best to act as such. Jill was staring forward, while a large floodlight in the sky started to obscure the action, the camera capturing their silhouettes in action instead.

“What trash!” Jill scoffed.

“Yeah, but it was worth the night, right?” Rebecca giggled. “Come on, Claire, even you...uh...”

Rebecca's words a trailed off as she saw Claire staring at the screen in distant thought, her pants pushed under her jeans to play with herself. The youngest STARS girl laughed, amused that of all the three Claire was the one to get off to the bargain bin sex that was going on in the film, and at a lousy SP video quality, no less.

"Hey, Jill." Rebecca nudged at the birthday girl to get her attention, pointing out her partner trying to rub one out in secret. Jill laughed, seeing an opportunity to tease her ally after having to sit through the garbage that was this movie.

"Oh, Claire…" Jill said as she and Rebecca turned their attention to her. To no surprise, Claire was unashamed that she was caught with her hand in the honey pot, as it had been her plan at some point to get some action from her friends.

Rebecca leaned into Claire while Jill sat on the arm rest next to her, getting in close to the young Redfield girl and playing with her breasts.

"Let's all…"

"Get it on…"

Claire laughed at how Rebecca and Jill respectively finished the other's sentence, then purred when their lips pressed into her cheeks. While she wasn't the birthday girl here, she did enjoy the pampering she was likely to get from the two as they stripped her jacket and shirt off her. Jill moved between Claire's legs, licking her lips as she assisted the STARS agent out of her jeans, not at all shocked that she had gone commando this evening. "Of course you're wet, Claire." Jill laughed, rubbing into her friend's folds. "Only you could get aroused by such trashy entertainment."

"Mmm, go ahead, Jill." Claire hummed as she helped Rebecca out of her clothes. "Take a bite out of my Jill Sandwich!"

Jill tried to keep a straight face as she dove into Claire's crotch, but the bad innuendo only caused her to laugh harder. She did inevitably eat her out, watching as her friend ran her fingers over her body.

Rebecca guided Claire's fingers into her snatch, allowing her partner to inject the digits within. The youngest STARS member hummed in delight as Claire swirled her fingers around her canal, teasing the walls while her fluids dripped out of her folds. She was nice and wet, which caused Claire to sigh. "I knew I forgot something…" she sighed.

“What's that?” Jill asked after giving her friend's folds a lick.

“A strapon.”

Jill sighed, patting her hand over Claire's clit in response. The younger Redfield sibling quivered from the action, causing her to accidentally claw at Rebecca's snatch. The youngest girl jumped in response, but still enjoyed the way it hooked into her. It was enough to make Rebecca drip down her partner's fingers, getting them drenched in return. Holding her fingers out for the birthday girl, Claire allowed Jill to lick them clean before she went for her muff. Valentine sighed, letting her shove the digits inside her mouth, allowing her tongue to swirl around and clean them of Rebecca's juices. She did at least enjoy the flavor that came from her pussy, of course.

While Jill ate away at Redfield's muff, Rebecca stood on the couch so that her crotch was in Claire's face, giving her the best possible access to her pussy. Gripping the youngest girl's ass cheeks, Clair held her in place so she could slip her tongue between her folds, hearing her squeak in response. Rebecca stared forward at the wall behind the couch, her jaw held open as she rested her hands in Claire's head. The Redfield girl was far too invested in eating her out to care about her hair, as she was sure there would be more things ruined throughout the night.

To Jill's surprise, Claire eventually shifted away from her and brought Rebecca back onto the couch. The youngest STARS girl was surprised to find herself laying on the couch, with Claire crawling on top of her. She grinned at Rebecca as she pressed their lips together, giving her partner a taste of the fluids that had collected onto her tongue. It was a very delicious make out session for the two, especially as the flavors of soda and pizza were already resting in their mouths. Claire even brushed her tongue against Rebecca's teeth, collecting any extra bits that she could for herself.

Jill sighed, shaking her head as she lowered her pants as well. Exposing her pussy to the other girls, she crawled on top of Claire while she laid on Rebecca, dry humping the former's backside while her pussy smacked against the ass. "Now it's more like a Claire sandwich, don't you think?" giggled Jill.

"Ugh, come on, really?" Claire laughed. "That was too corny, even after that movie!"

"I don't think either of us would mind eating you out." Rebecca admitted, biting her lower lip as she brought her fingertips down to meet Claire's pussy.

Claire gasped lightly as she felt Jill enter inside her asshole, with both holes getting their own variety of pleasure. It still amused her that of the three she was getting this much attention, as they were here for Jill's sake.

"Hey, wait a minute." Claire said, turning to face Jill. "We came here for you, not ourselves!"

Jill laughed. "You're right." She said, mocking the tone of the actress that portrayed her. "You know, you guys are welcome to stay the night. Share my bed. And some of my toys."

Valentine removed herself from atop Claire, removing her strapless top to reveal her breasts. Now as naked as Rebecca, she curled her finger in to lead the pair upstairs, obviously hoping to have a bit more fun with them.

Claire and Rebecca grinned at one another before following Jill upstairs. This was definitely going to be a Valentine's day to remember.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it this far after that beginning note, thank you for reading!
> 
> If you'd like to see updates when I post these stories, follow me on Twitter at HeroicFizzer.


End file.
